Sub-navigation

• « Previous
• Next »
• Back to features list »

What causes tantrums in toddlers?

Full-blown tantrums in toddlers tend to happen when feelings of frustration, often mixed in with some feelings of fear or anxiety, become too much for the child to keep inside. The tantrum is the explosion and the free expression of these unpleasant and unmanageable feelings.

What happens during a tantrum?

During tantrums, toddlers are overwhelmed by their own internal rage. They can become lost to the world, and terrified by the violent and uncontrollable feelings they carry inside and don’t feel they can control.

A toddler in a tantrum quite often becomes physically out of control, and may even roll on the floor, screaming and kicking. Anyone who comes within range is likely to be kicked. The toddler may even scream until becoming hoarse, retch, throw up, or even go blue in the face.

How can I help to calm my toddler down when she’s having a tantrum?

• Some toddlers react well to being held during a tantrum, and will start to calm down. She’ll start to relax and cuddle into your arms, and the screams will stop.
• However, some toddlers hate to be touched at all when they’re in the midst of a tantrum as this makes them feel even more overpowered and out of control.
• The best thing to do when she’s kicking and screaming is to remove anything breakable from nearby, and to only intervene if she appears to be at a real risk of hurting herself.
• Whatever your child’s physical state, don’t try and argue with her. She’ll be beyond reason during the tantrum.
• Don’t start screaming back – it won’t help calm the situation. In fact, it will probably have the opposite effect.
• When the tantrum is over, be careful not to let your toddler feel either rewarded or punished for her behaviour. She needs to learn that tantrums won’t change anything.
• If the tantrum takes place in public, don’t let her sense you’re any more stressed or concerned than when she has a tantrum in the house, or she may begin to use this as a technique for getting her own way.

How can I help my child to have fewer tantrums?

As full tantrums tend to be a reaction to frustration, it’s a good idea to think carefully about your toddler’s life and how they see things. Try and put yourself into her shoes.

If your child has to do something you know she always dislikes, try asking her extremely tactfully and gently to do it. Introduce the task step-by-step rather than all in one go. Ask yourself – do you really need to absolutely insist that the task is completed in one go? Putting on the jacket itself may be enough for now. Perhaps you can finish zipping it up later?

Challenging your child and giving absolute rules and commands will have the effect of pushing her emotionally into a corner from which she feels she can’t escape. This will only make a tantrum more probable.

At what age do tantrums stop?

It’s hard to say when tantrums will completely end, but remember that they’re reactions to extreme feelings of frustration. As your toddler gets older she’ll meet with fewer frustrating new situations and events, and will therefore become more confident.

With her increased fearlessness there will develop a reduced need for reassurance from you. As she tests the limits of the world she’ll come to see that most of her worst fears are unrealistic and unreasonable.