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How involved do you feel?

If as a dad-to-be you feel that somehow you don’t want to be very involved with your partner’s pregnancy, you’re not alone. Becoming a dad is a major life change, and it’s common to have mixed feelings.

Your feelings are normal

Perhaps you really fear that you are about to lose what you value most-your fun and freedom. It’s fine to feel this way about this incredible new commitment you’re going to make in your life. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel some fear.

It’s true that life is going to be in some ways more complex. However, it’s also the case that you’re going on an incredible journey towards a new relationship with your new child and your partner.

You’re creating a family unit that will be around you and growing for many years to come. This family will bring fun, love, laughter, pride, camaraderie, new experiences and new challenges. You’ll still be you, just having different and new experiences of life.

Work out where your feelings are coming from

If you’re feeling this way, first of all work out what the root cause is. Is it that you want to be involved but don’t know how? Are you uncomfortable with the pregnancy itself? Or do you in some way feel excluded by your partner?

Whatever the reason, be honest with yourself and your partner. Are there ways you could become more involved with the pregnancy and start to build a relationship with the new baby? Can you find out gently why your partner won’t or can’t let you in?

Ways to feel more involved

Have a joint celebration

Baby showers have traditionally involved only women. But there’s no reason you can’t have a baby shower together, and invite male and female friends.

Decorate the nursery together

Pick the nursery colours and décor together. If you share all the decisions it will feel like the family nursery.

Read together

Read your baby books together in bed, or read out sections to each other and discuss them.

Ask your partner to keep you informed

Ask your partner to tell you how she’s feeling, when the baby moves or any other little things. You’ll get to be in time with your baby and partners’ rhythms, and you’ll get the chance to feel the kicks and movements.

Attend the key visits

When you hear your baby’s heartbeat or see its image on the screen it will help you to feel more aware of its growth and development.

Take childbirth classes together

Taking classes together is key. You’ll be learning together and reducing any fears and worries you may have at the same time.

Be comfortable with your partner’s changing body

When a woman becomes pregnant the whole dynamic around her body image changes. She may start to feel fat, unwell and unattractive, especially in the first trimester.

Dads can feel that they are suddenly in new territory. What about sex, touching, compliments. Where’s the safe ground?

The best way to prevent any physical barriers from developing is by talking and asking questions. Find out if any areas have become particularly sensitive or off-limits. Ask if a massage would be good before you do it.

Your sexual relationship may change

As long as your doctor hasn’t warned against it, sex is medically safe in the first trimester. But again, be thoughtful. Your partner’s body is changing and she may not feel as adventurous as before. Focus on gentle lovemaking and pampering, and asking questions to make sure you know what the boundaries are and that you’re doing the right thing.